I haven’t written in a while.
And I’ve been wondering why.
Writing has always been a way of making sense of life.
An explanation of sorts about what I’m currently facing.
But that’s just the thing.
I haven’t been able to explain or make sense of a lot that’s happening right now or that has happened this year.
Because I’m still walking through a lot. And every time I think that I’ve come to a plateau of understanding, the graph shifts up again. Ebbing and flowing to its own tune.
Perhaps that is what life is about.
Walking through seasons that cannot be explained or understood and never really coming to any solid conclusions but rather just moving on to the next.
Which goes against every fiber of my being. I am hard-wired to want to understand and explain. If it doesn’t make sense, take it away. But if anything, I’ve learned that I need to crucify my being and adopt the mind of Christ. Otherwise like Jacob, I will continue to wrestle with the Holy Spirit. And don’t I have the scars and injuries to show for it? Like Jacob, I feel as though God had to also “break my hip” – partly, to cease my complaining and then also partly, and perhaps more importantly to remind me who is in control here. A constant emblem of my fragility and fickle nature.
The world sees it as inconceivable and wrong but perhaps it is a grace gift to be broken by the Most High.
As you can see, my thoughts are scattered and the dots are not connecting quite right yet. The picture is not fully formed but with every experience, things become clearer. Perhaps not clear enough to understand but clear enough to know who understands. And for now, that is enough.
Genesis 32:22-32
“24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[b] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel,[c] and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon.”
